After 3 hook up attempts by friends in a couple of weeks, I’m ready to move to Africa and live in a hut. Of course, I’ve finally began to realize that running from my problems is not the way to handle anything, but for so long that was my only method of dealing with difficult situations. Well, let me rephrase….any difficult situation I didn’t WANT to deal with. Which mostly fell into the category of “commitment”, “emotions”, “vulnerability”….whether in myself or in others. I’ve always hated fear. But I was scared of feeling. I’ve moved without telling friends goodbye, gone home for Christmas break and never returned, I’ve even completely dissappeared from 2 guys I was seeing because they “attached” and I didn’t. So I just left. I still don’t know if they ever knew what happened to me. And I’m not proud of that, but it’s true. It used to scare me how easily I could “flip the switch” on my emotions. Which caused me to hate myself while at the same time taking a sort of pleasure in the amount of control I had even over my own emotions. I hated hurting other people, but I did because the need for complete control and the disdain of need for anyone or anything was my driving force. I say “was” because things have changed. The overwhelming urge to run in still there…but now I fight it and don’t give in. I’m learning to love like Jesus loves me. Which is so much harder than I would have ever imagined (to be completely honest, I wonder if I take it too far because I feel like a doormat sometimes!) And believe me, that IS NOT me. I recently read a quote by John Donne that said ” I am two fools I know. For loving and for saying so.” How well can I relate to this? Of course, I never even let myself love because I instinctively knew it would make me the fool that I despised. But once again I was wrong. Love, when you accept it, changes everything. We were made for love. God’s love. And from His love flows love for others. I’ve experienced His love…and it erases fear. My heart wants to continue to agree with Donne, but now I don’t. Loving and letting someone know is never something to regret. It’s scary, but life is short. If I’m leaving it tomorrow then I want the people I care about to know today. Instead of running away, you have to choose to run “through”…jump over the hurdles when they come and let nothing hold you back. It’s invigorating and kind of addicting. Honestly.
Whenever Augustana’s “Boston” is the most played song on my IPOD, I know I need a vacation. Usually I get tired of songs rather quickly but I’ve also never heard a song that fits me as well as that song does. On random occasions I’ve even found myself wondering what it would be like to be with someone who knows me so well….and then have to remind myself that the guy singing the song REALLY doesn’t know me at all. Crazy I know, but every time I listen to Boston, I feel like FINALLY someone understands me. This guy is singing about a girl like me. And he gets her. He sees the constant desire to run…and it’s okay. Though the struggle is real, somone will be able to see through it and calm that fear. Or let her run. I think that is why the song is so comfortable for me. Because it is me.